Feverish Gibbering

Memetically, I’m lying in my bed sweating till the sheets are drenched.

Memetically, the family is stood around the foot of my bed and the priest has been called up from the village.

Memetically, I am raving while the hospital staff tie straps to my arms and legs to prevent me from hurting myself.

Memetically, I am on the back of a wagon being taken to the unmarked grave called “yuletide casualties“.

Yes, Christmas is here to provide the memetic straw that breaks this camel’s back. I was already infected by the recent wave of Wiggles that was going around (the Di Dickey Doo Dum even shows on my face, and if the office is too quiet people can hear my subvocalised Big Red Cars). Add to that the background malaise from all that twinkle twinkling and the blind mice that race up and down my spine (presumably competing for mind-space with the little piggies) at night.

But now I am mordant with memes that are thick as fleas on a dogs back – it is Christmas and the new rash of novelty singing toys are out. Kerry and her mother thought it was in the yuletide spirit to have about a dozen of these monstrosities wandering the house singing songs that are so virulent they should be ranked alongside military grade bioweapons.

I know the ill-disciplined mind of a child needs something seriously catchy to get an idea through the background noise of the forming mind. The effect on us adults, though, is little short of being mustard gassed in the trenches for a solid month.

That sacred space that is the core of a centred mind is, in my case, so infected with viral memes it bears more than a passing resemblance to an ambulatory slime mould.

And don’t get me started on those ruddy 50’s and 60’s Xmas tunes from the likes of Bing Crosby.

No meme would be worth its salt if it didn’t compel me to sing you a song, so here goes:

I’m the happiest Christmas tree – Ho Ho Ho. He He He.
Came one day, and they found me, and took me home with them.

I’ve got tiny bells that tinkle,
And tiny little lights that twinkle
And if anybody passes by
I wink my lights, and blink my eyes!

Oooh, I’m the happiest Christmas tree,
Christmas day – wait and see
I’ll be laughing happily
With a Ho Ho Ho He Heeeee.

Naturally, it doesn’t sound right unless it’s accompanied by a banjo and a red flashing nose.


Oh, and a merry Christmas to you!