Electroconvulsive Therapy

Yes, like all the other gullible fools, with highly reactive immune systems, I have invested my hard-earned money in a mosquito-click ™. On the tin it says that as few as five clicks will inhibit the histamine reaction and 10 clicks will also neutralise the foriegn matter injected by the insect, by denaturing any proteins in them through electric pressure.

Well, I should have guessed that if I suffered enough from the bites to pay $20, then I was gonna need a lot more than 5 clicks to eradicate the histamine. I should also have guessed that the place where the reaction is least bearable is the place with the most nerves. I should therefore have also guessed that (maybe just in my case) I get bitten on the knuckles of the hand, and have to click 50 or 60 times to deaden the area enough not to scratch.

It’s funny that when you describe using this product as “clicking“, it seems a lot less unpleasant than “imparting a 13,000V shock into the nerves of your hand, causing painful involuntary galvanistic spasms, and deadening the nerves“. What’s more, if the thing is able to denature proteins, it must be able to do the same to other proteins in the skin that ought not to be modified.

Anyway, it’s bleedy irritating to have to electrocute myself repeatedly every time I get bitten, so I shall return to my favourite wonder-drug (Anthisan of Aventis Pharma Ltd, UK). A lotion that is unlicensed in Australia, but which really works. So, whoever is next over from England – bring a tube or two for me will you? I have a feeling this summer is going to be carnivorous.