… and in the first heats, Andrew won a resounding victory in the world tiddly-winks championships.

The sad part was it was Andrew Patocs, not Andrew Matthews, who wears the laurel wreath this evening. Andrew Matthews has spent the day in a darkened room wondering why he didn’t admit defeat earlier.

Next time I will try harder, cos that so-called bourbon tasted like cheap rum, especially when you have to down 5 shots glasses in 2 minutes cos some chizzling bugger has been practicing…