conspiracies

South America? Innocent victims in the war on terror!

Are you kidding me? tectonic causes for south american earthquakes was a total sham! Think about it! Everyone knows that there’s a war on. And have you noticed that the CIA has started to act very strangely? They obviously don’t want this story getting out. I mean, what would happen if people began asking Why are they all near the USA? Well, they may be able to fool the sheeple, but the members of the USGS aren’t swallowing their story. Look, don’t take it from me; General Colin Powell is convinced as well. But we have to act fast, because Yellowstone will vaporize the USA. I just wanted you to be aware of this, in case I disappear.

wired

Zealots gain the upper hand

The surge of religiosity in the US continues unabated. A survey from NEWSWEEK is the current cause of distress – apparently over 90% of Americans profess to be religious, and almost half reject the findings of science. Alarmingly, 35% of college graduates (the most educated of Americans) accept the bible as fact and believe that mankind sprung mysteriously into existence less than 10,000 years ago.

Less than one in ten Americans was willing to own-up to being an atheist – I suspect that as at other times when religiosity was in the ascendant, like the dark ages, there has been a danger of civic censure and communal intolerance of the atheist. It is already an established fact that government office is dependent on public displays of piety, and government policy is also dictated by various religious or ethnically religious groups.

It fills me with dread to think of the single largest military power on planet being held under the sway of religious fundamentalists. Of course for those of us in the west – Christianity is (laughably) regarded as the religion of progress and multicultural tolerance and democracy. Those from christian cultures feel threatened by firebrand religious fanatics of Islam. Those of us, who are atheist, regard any kind of christian ascendancy as equally undesirable.

Even the spell checker on this god-damned word-processor wants to capitalise the word ‘christian’.

What can we do to stem the tide of this religious anti-renaissance?

Here is your enemy…

Click this link to see the single largest threat to democracy the world is currently facing. This bunch of evil techno-terrorists is ravening at the gates of western civilization. You have every right to fear these people. Their military might fought America to a standstill. How can we withstand such an enemy? These crack commandos are hiding in plain sight disguised as CAMELS!

Or, to put it another way :-

Images this precise must have been taken just prior to a bomb landing on this terrorist training ground.

Tax on British Stupidity gets Hiked

According to this BBC report, the UK economy is losing billions to those Nigerian scams. Even though I don’t need to explain which scams to those of you who read this – they are proverbial – there are unspeakably avaricious and gullible cretins out there who still send their money into the Nigerian black economy.

I suppose if these people are moronic enough to think that the son/daughter of the Nigerian Mister for transport/embezzlement/finance  would single them out from the billions of other candidates to share their booty with, then they deserve what they get.

Besides, it’s more sociable than playing on slot machines, or having your mobile stolen – you get to exchange emails with these nice but desperate scions of once great African families.

Somebody else who despises pencil-neck double-talk…

Eric Gunnerson, has a very true post about how many of those who manage or participate in software development have caught the 'lets post-modernise our language to pretend we're innovating, rather then give an extra effort to clarify our thinking' bug. Lately, I have been bending poor Kerry's ear about this to the extent that I am now categorised as a grumpy old man. Not that I care what the world thinks, but I think that language has more value if it is clear.

But, you tell me, which of the following alternatives makes more sense:

  • 'newborn services department' or 'maternity ward'
  • 'waste transfer depot' or 'dump'
  • 'personalized, post-branded attentionstream' or 'blog'

Now, I may be revealing my Anglosaxon roots, but I think that this is another form of frenchifying words to make them seem more poncy.

It's great for recreation, but not a good way to get my attention[stream] at least.

Another Source of British Pride?

In a conversation I had with a colleague, it came to light that the British have another reason to be proud of their national heritage. As you may know, they were the nation that invented the queue. they take to the queue as ducks take to water, and queueticette is installed in their youth from the cradle. Not content with that, the British graduated in the 70s from simple linear queues to more complicated non-linear arrangements. It is arguable that modern operating systems would never had reached their current degree of multi-processing capabilities were it not for the British obsession for queueing.

We’re talking about the magic roundabout in Swindon. I have gone through the magic roundabout twice. Both times I went in accidentally and with trepidation, and came out elated and enthused. Perhaps that is the essence of many pieces of post-war British town planning. East Dumbarton is another example – I went in thinking I would get knifed and came out overjoyed about the fact that I didn’t.

I’m not sure such roundabouts would get built these days. The 70s in Britain were a time of regrowth and increased confidence, when we ‘never had it so good’. Filled with confidence, people knew it was OK to experiment and try new things – drugs, free-sex, rock-n-roll, roundabouts, whatever! Nowadays, such experimentation would never get off of the drawing-board. Not because of traffic flow analysis but because of the weaselly bean-counting tossers who are the secret police enforcing the modern day tyranny of the nanny-state. These people enforce a Maoist level of austerity on the British public in the name of ‘Health and Safety’, they are insurance brokers and health and safety officers.

FACT:You can’t have hanging baskets in public spaces any more, because they might fall on people’s heads!
FACT: A hanging basket has never actually fallen on anyones head in the UK. The premium increase is not founded on any actuarial analysis, therefore it must be based on a desire to remove hanging baskets from town centres.
CONCLUSION: Insurance Brokers and H&SE officers are effecting social change in a way that is gradual and hidden from view, and in a way that is profoundly negative.

In Britain we like to criticise the American’s for their litigious culture that turns ordinary professionals into timid cowards for fear of punitive legal measures. We have no reason to be conceited though – we are equally held to ransom by the insurance profession. They don’t take us to court, they raise our premiums. It deadens the spirit to even think about what levels of crawleyage have been perpetrated in the name of H&S.

Anyway, rant over. Hats off to the town planners of Swindon who had the courage to strike out against the lowest common denominator, to forge a path to the non-linear via the nirvana of roundabout confusion! The Swindon magic roundabout is a mandala, a traffic koan, a map charting the path to enlightenment and heaven on the highway of life.

The Hidden War

Several years ago, I worked on a contract in Central London (That’s in Great Britain, an island off the coast of America) and I used to commute to work by train (that’s a bit like a long chauffeur-driven car on rails). Every few weeks or so, people used to commit suicide by hurling themselves under the trains. Generally, these terminal events took place in or around the Crawley or Hayward’s Heath areas. It just so happens that this area was a single line stretch of track and there was no easy way to go around the affected area. The net effect was always massive tailbacks and confusion in the rail network that spread out from the terminals (Hmmm, no pun intended, but weird huh?) affected in London to cover the whole region. This butterfly effect always happened during rush hours and always on weekdays.

I used to curse the departing souls of the selfish imolators to hell, blindly assuming that there was a continual stream of people killing themselves all over the country, and I had just been unfortunate enough to be affected by one of them at random. Now I realise that the imolators were guaranteed their place in heaven (with 72 virgins to cater to their every need, and presumably a free rail-pass for good behaviour). You see, I have penetrated the veil of happenstance to see the evil designs of a master-criminal at work. This spider-like Moriarty figure would never be so crude as to send people to blow up trains and buses (note the public transport links here. I’m not kidding) were he not trying to draw attention away from a more subtle and insidious gambit. One which is – I exaggerate only slightly – equivalent to Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Amin and Pol Pot combined in its cumulative horror.

You see, it all stems from Utilitarianism. As any morally sophisticated person can tell you, in a sentence, utilitarianism is that branch of ethics that seeks to do good by maximising the greatest good for the greatest number of the population. There is an implied calculus of pain in this statement that is being exploited by our criminal mastermind for the punishment and/or education of us infidels. It is easy to deduce the coefficients of this calculus as well. We can see from Newton’s laws that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. One man (or woman)’s death in Haywards heath is roughly equivalent to frustration and irritation for about 50,000 people for about 2 hours. To standardise, we shall call that unit the ‘crawley’ and it’s equal to roughly 100,000 grumble/hours.

We know that around 2 million people attended the march against war in Hyde park, London in Feb 2003. They were in attendance for about 5 hours, giving a total of 10 million grumble hours or 100 crawleys. That is – Osama bin Laden did the equivalent of 1.7 London Bombings without even having to get out of his seat. Multiply this by all of the demonstrations across the globe since then against the war and we have several times the devastation of the twin towers, and all he has to do is sit there, nice and cozy, in his dialysis machine in his cave there in Afghanistan, without moving a muscle. Add to that the huge dissatisfaction of the world with George W. Bush. Lets face it, how many people in the world have not spent at least an hour a week complaining about the wickedness of his regime and the general blindness of the Americans for not noticing, or caring.

It all adds up. If all the people in the world grumbled for just one hour – that would be equivalent to 20 times the September 11 attacks. Doubtless they have done a lot more than that! You’re not including areas of highly crawleyage such as the middle east, and amongst the poor. There’s a few more thousand crawleys for you. I find it shuddersome how this architect of woe has turned the very principle of a just and sane society, the very root and branch of liberal democracy, against us. Is it any wonder that this man has not been found, he needs to hide, to best achieve his nefarious ends. In fact he could achieve them even if he were dead. He’s a lot like Jesus Christ in that respect, a man who he must respect for the countless giga-crawleys of misery he has spread posthumously across the world.

Any relation to any persons past or present is wholely coincidental. Please don’t burn my effigy in the streets.

Flat-earth Society

This site is entertaining in the same way that nonsense poetry is. It is ingenious, and its obvious that a great deal of effort has been put into it, but it is not intended to make any sense. I am also bowled over by how powerful the memes are to be able to force these people into expending that much effort in the pursuit of the arguments. I've seen the poor souls compelled out into the rain on a Saturday morning to spread the word, despite the fact that these (seemingly respectable) people are being rained on as well as showered with the contempt of their fellow men.

That driving compulsion is such a terrible thing in the hands of unscrupulous men. Woe betide us (forgive the slip into biblical grammar) if someone were to ever find a way to master the memetic manipulation and infection of the populace. The human mind would be the battleground for a war of ideas. Now hold on, I know what you're thinking. That's the whole of human history.

I guess we are walking around in the rubble of a Stalingrad of the mind. And the visitors on the flat-earth society web site are the dead and walking wounded. I think that Derek wants to be a stretcher bearer. And as you can see, dear reader, I want to be a war poet. Sadly I lost my pencil, so I shall settle for being a innocent bystander caught in the crossfire, but hoping that the allies will liberate me from a world of doxological propoganda (and hyperbole).